OK, this is going to be a little bit un-PC, but what the hell.
PHP is your teenage sweetheart, the girl you first awkwardly fumbled around with that one summer. Just don't try and start a more serious relationship - this girl has serious issues.
Perl is PHP's older sister. She might be a bit old for you, but she was pretty popular back in the 90s. She's looking pretty ugly and scarred now, so you don't hear from her too much.
Ruby is the cool kid of the scripting family. When you first saw her, she took your breath away with her beauty. She was fun, too. At the time she seemed a bit slow and ditzy - though she's matured a lot in the last few years.
Python is Ruby's sensible (and slightly more boring) sister.
Java is a successful career woman. What she lacks in raw intelligence she makes up for in dress - always turned out in immaculateCamelCase, sure to impress the enterprise customers. You might feel like she's the sensible type you should settle down with. Just prepare for years of "NO THAT DOESNT GO THERE GOD YOU ALWAYS USE THE WRONG TYPE AND YOU MISSED A SEMICOLON" nagging.
C++ is Java's cousin. Similar to Java in many ways, the main difference being she grew up in a more innocent time and doesn't believe in condoms/automatic memory management, so be cautious.
C is C++'s mom. Mention her name to some old grey beard hackers and they're sure to reminisce with a twinkle in their eye.
Objective C is another member of the C family. She joined that weird church a while back, and won't date anyone outside of it.
Haskell, Clojure, Scheme and their friends are those hipster, arty, intellectual girls you probably spent a blissful college summer with a few years ago. The first girls who really challenged you. Of course, it could never have become something more serious (you tell yourself). Though you'll always be left asking "what if?"
You might be put off C# due to her family's reputation. But they've gone legit, the last few years, they tell you. Once you're one of us, you're one of us, you hear? You need a database? Her brother MSSQL will hook you up. Need a place to stay? Heck, her daddy will even buy you your own mansion on Azure avenue. What's that, you're having second thoughts about all these overly friendly relatives? No, you can never leave. You're part of the family, now, ya hear?